Your body’s consent in sexual intimacy (plus 4 tips to enhance pleasure!)
Intimacy for a woman begins with a heart connection. Once our hearts are open…the rest of softens. This is the signal that our bodies feel safe to let down our guard and trust that other person. Needless to say, we need to find someone who will honour our readiness or hesitancy to engage in deeper sexual intimacy.
Sexual intimacy is often limited to the physical act between two people, but this leaves out the expansive experience that the emotional, spiritual and mental offer. For women, the physical connection is generally one of the final stages in the act of intimacy, yet it is quite often placed as the first, leaving women disconnected from their feminine needs.
It is innate in women to seek connection with another. It is hard-wired into our brains so that we remain safe and our species continues to thrive. As humans, we are gifted with something extra special – the ability to receive with pleasure.
When a woman rushes through her body’s readiness, it significantly reduces the pleasure principle. But the big question is why does a woman override her body wisdom to say yes – even if she knows deep down she isn’t quite ready to engage?
The desire for loving connection pulses strongly through a woman’s body. But as we mature through childhood and adolescence, we become conditioned in certain ways that inform us how we can receive love. For a lot of women, we distort real loving intimacy with an eagerness to please which overrides our ability to receive. This emerges from a feeling of insecurity…not feeling 100% comfortable in who you are as a woman.
This becomes a disheartening experience when a woman doesn’t value or honour her own body wisdom. She isn’t connected to her body’s communication signals or feeling strong enough to say ‘not yet, I’m not ready’ which reflects back her level of self-worth. A woman can try to please her partner but this often comes as a sacrifice of her own needs. This too leaves a woman feeling like she has no voice or power over the direction or pace of the sexual interaction.
When a woman continues to override her body’s readiness, she is squashing down her truth. This erodes her confidence, self-worth, self-respect and her personal boundaries of what she is willing and not willing to put up with.
[Readiness for the purpose of this article can be a felt sense of feeling open, warmed up, well lubricated, juicy, swelling of the different genitalia, relaxed, breathing deeply, eye contact, 110% yes, fully present in the here and now].
If we aren’t ready, our bodies aren’t adequately prepared for penetration, which creates tension and contraction in our pelvic area. In such cases, the sexual intimacy lacks a relaxed openness that takes us to new heights of pleasure. Instead, we become disconnected. We don’t inhabit our bodies and so we are not really there to soften into the feeling of pleasure.
So how can you learn how to honour yourself and enhance your pleasure in intimacy?
1. Learn to appreciate your body’s natural readiness, which changes depending on your emotional states, life stressors, hormones and relationship connection. Honouring where you are in each moment is essential. A woman is always moving internally, which means paying extra attention to your needs.
2. Understand what really turns you on, softens your body, makes you feel safe. What makes you feel safe and relaxed is unique to you. That’s why it is important to attune to your own needs.
3. Find your voice and ask for what you need. Learning to use your voice to express your needs can be a big step for many women. Men really want their woman to share what she likes and dislikes. He wants to please her. In fact, his whole self-image and self-esteem are usually tied up in being a good lover. And he can’t be a good lover without knowing what she likes. Remember, each woman is different; this is why its extra important to voice your personal desires. Men aren’t usually as intuitive as women…they aren’t very good mind readers. They need your help.
4. Re-wire your perception about foreplay. Foreplay can be just as delicious as the orgasmic outcome. Take your time and indulge your senses. Be playful and curious. Explore yourself. Awaken your whole body by using pleasurable smells, tastes and touch exploration. Set the scene too. Use candles, lighting and sounds to entice your body to open.